Connecting & Disconnecting Habits

Improve your relationships by improving your communication. It is within your power to take control of any situation by knowing how to effectively convey your thoughts and feelings.

CONNECTING HABITS:

Supporting

Encouraging

Listening

Accepting

Trusting

Respecting

Negotiating differences

DISCONNECTING HABITS:

Criticizing

Complaining

Blaming

Nagging

Threatening

Rewarding to control (bribing)

Punishing

Connecting habits (CH) are qualities that do just what they sound like - connect us in a positive way with people. Disconnecting habits (DH) on the other hand disconnect us from others. They are a means of trying to control someone else, however, we are the only person we can effectively control.

Take a look at the list above. Identify which CH you use the most and pat yourself on the back for using them! Now, look at the DH. Which of those do you find yourself doing? We all use these at least from time to time, if not daily. The more aware we are of how these behaviors are affecting our relationships, the better position we are in to effect change in ourselves.

Let's look at a couple of examples. The first scenario in each example is a display of DH and the second scenario is when CH are employed. As you read through it identify the DH and CH used.

Example 1: A teenage daughter is doing poorly in school and the school counselor calls to inform the mom that if her daughter doesn't bring up her English grade she is in jeopardy of failing. Using DH this is how it may go:

Mom: Your counselor called yet again! How many times are we going to have to talk about this???

Daughter: WHAT? That's ridiculous. I DON'T CARE! How many times do I have to tell YOU that???

Mom: Are you serious?? Don't take that tone with me. You have become so disrespectful and you need to get it together!! You better bring your grades up or else...!!

Daughter: Just watch me......

Do you feel tension simply reading that? Sadly this is how many families operate and NO ONE is happy in those families. But how do we get "unstuck" from using disconnecting habits? Practice, practice, practice! The more effort we put into it, the greater the outcome. Let's try this again, using CH.

Mom: Your counselor called today.

Daughter: WHAT? That's ridiculous! How many times is she going to call you before she realizes I JUST DON'T CARE!!

Mom: I hear what you're saying and I think I understand where you are coming from. In the past couple of months, you have said you don't see the point of getting good grades because what you are learning in school doesn't even apply to the real world. Is that the main reason? Or is there something else?

Daughter: I HATE SCHOOL. I hate the people there, the teachers don't even want to be there, and if they don't why should I even try???

Mom: It sounds challenging, I get that. I'm on your side though, and included in that is wanting you to succeed in life. In order to succeed some effort has to be put into the basics and that's K-12 where we live. What can I do to help you?

Daughter: Leave me alone - that's what you can do to help me!!!

Mom: Okay. Let me ask this, what do you see yourself doing when you are 18?

Daughter: Already having a job and then moving out.

Mom: Got it. So to get you to that place in life what do you think you need to do to prepare for it?

Daughter: Life is so stupid. I hate that it takes money to do anything in life.

Mom: I get that! Life would be a lot easier if we didn't need money for even things like necessities. But for now, this is how things work. Take some time to think about your goals for the next few years and what you can do now to meet those goals. I would like it if you made a list of those things and then we can go over them together and we can see how I can help with them. What do you think about that?

Daughter: Ughh, okay. But I don't need to write them down. I'll just tell you once I come up with it.

Mom: Sounds good.

How did that one feel? While the daughter still was upset the mom used several CH to achieve greater communication. Even if we don't get the desired result right away, we will feel more in control - as we will be in greater control of ourselves. The more we engage using CH, those around us will likely start to respond favorably as well.

Example 2: A married couple is having a dinner party on Saturday for 20 people. The backyard needs to be cleaned and set up for dining and the food will be prepared that day.

Wife: (Saturday morning) When are you going to clean the yard and patio and set up the table and chairs?? I've asked you to do it all week long and of course, you waited until the day of our dinner party.....I also need your help with the food. I will never get it all done myself. Why can't you carry your weight around here?!!

Husband: I told you it's been a long week with work and that I would get to it today. You have nagged me all week and yet never really listened to any of my responses to know how stressful MY week has been.

Wife: I've WHAT all week????? You have got to be kidding...I cook, clean, do the laundry, AND work, and because I ask for help for something we agreed to do together you call me a nag!!! You are out of your mind!!!

Husband: Well in addition to nag I can add mean and thoughtless to the list. I will have the backyard set up by 11 am and then I'll be free to help her Highness with whatever she tasks her servant to do.....

Most of us have been here before where stressful times lead to an escalating argument. It's difficult to get off the "disagreement train" once it picks up steam. Yet again, using CH will take you off a heated path and lead to teamwork and peaceful relations. Let's redo our husband and wife challenge.

Wife: (Saturday morning) I feel really stressed out that the yard is not clean and the patio furniture is not set up. I've asked you all week to finish it before today came because I need help in the kitchen. Otherwise, I will never have everything done when our guests arrive.

Husband: I'm sorry. I wanted to have it done by Friday but work just really got the better of me this week. Here's my plan - the yard will be cleaned and tables & chairs set up by 11 am, I'll shower and clean up, and by noon I'll help with food prep. How does that sound?

Wife: Okay, sounds good. If we work together I think we can finish it all to have a few minutes to spare before the guests come so we can calm down and be ready to entertain!

Husband: Great! How about you write out a list of what you want to be done with the food and that way we can stay organized and work most efficiently together.

Wife: I like that idea! Thank you!!

Aww, much better! In both examples think about which DH and CH were used. The clearer we see which DH we use, the more clarity we will have on what we need to change. Take time each day to reflect on your conversations. Awareness is the first step to change! If you would like further support in this area visit our ABOUT US page to connect with one our Counselors.